to lovingly hold space...

i was sent home with homework yet again from the 7th fire a number of months ago…

however, my life this past year has been like a pachacuti... and has been literally turned upside down… my relationship of almost 8 years rapidly dissolved right before my eyes…and went in a direction that i couldn't seem to steer in any way… it seems for most of those years, i’ve tried my darndest to do what some might call, “make the best of it” and be the best i can be… i strive to grow as any human could or can… and with courage to honour my spiritual path… questing for answers that continually nag at me… i also can’t ignore the stirrings that rise within me… i have to listen to my gut… and somehow find my own true way… how can i not listen to my inner being and be who i truly am?

why is it that it has to be sooo hard to share that with someone who is not on the same path?… why is it that i am continually judged for being on this path? why is it that i always feel like i’m the one who is giving support in many ways… i gave up long ago the invitations to someone important to me to share a path that helped me so much in my growth... and now to have come to a place of realization that i must honour this person's own path whenever… i have to admit that i sometimes get jealous that other partnerships can share a similar path… but i guess that this is not to happen for me, and i do my best to honour that…

and… so… i continue to respect my path as best as i can… and i exercise my daily homework… i open my mesa, the mirror of my becoming - my healed state… and oh, how i yearn for that healed state… especially now… during this emotional roller-coaster pacha of time… and so… through some beloved stones i consciously feed and care for them within the swirling hurricane that is presently going on in my life… this is not an easy path… it seems no matter what i say or do… i don’t get heard or seen in the way i have truly intended… when i feel i have intended with as much a loving way that i can… where has all this rage and disdain hurling towards me come from?... what happened to the communication?... it’s crazy making to say the least… but i keep ducking the relentless sticks and stones... refusing to be continually abused...

as i sit in mindful contemplation with my altar of beloved… i am unexpectedly taken way back to a time of my childhood… to an age of about 11 or 12… i’m smack-back at summer camp on Vancouver Island at good ol' camp Moorecroft… a wonderous place full of fond, fond memories…a place that offered me respite from the shouting times of my childhood... it’s evening and everyone is at campfire time inside the big meeting hall… the fire is roaring and there is a girl a little younger than me sitting hesitantly on the edge of the front stage with her head down looking at the floor…

this night, small groups and individuals are sharing skits, stories and songs with the whole group… i have already shared my contribution… and there sits this little girl on the stage… in great fear… she wants to share but keeps fleeing the stage because of being so shy and afraid… the whole group keeps cheering her back to the stage as she repeatedly attempts to go back to her seat, giving up…

after about three times of her doing her back and forth dance… i am compelled to go up and and just sit beside her to lend some support to do her thing… and as i sit there beside her and the room goes quiet... she finally musters the courage to share and after, everyone is on their feet cheering and applauding her… she is so thrilled and oh, so proud…

the next day… the camp nurse came up to me to say that what i did to support that girl was one of the most loving things she had ever seen a kid do and then thanked and congratulated me for it…

i'm now transported right back to now with my mesa and the 13 churning loving khuyas embracing me with their light as they always do… and an overwhelming realization comes over me as to maybe why... one reason (and of many) that being part of and in this relationship for so many years… was maybe... just maybe... that i was to lovingly “hold space” for someone else yet once again... to support them to get to what they love and do… and they did get to do what they loved... big-time!... and... i am honoured to have been a part of that...

and so... an irony... a life-time dream project was finally manifested and arrived a finished product that very same day that we separated and parted ways...

weaver (((o)))