hawk eyes...

dream…

i had one of those wild, powerful dreams early this morning...
just before i woke up…

Scene… I’m assisting and sharing music at a medicine wheel gathering up in the Kamloops area of BC, but not the usual place… this time, it’s different… as the group is gathering to start the weekend, the teacher and i step out of the meeting room and onto a wooden deck off the main room to discuss the agenda and what music i could share for the day…

The scene quickly changes and we’re continuing the conversation as we stand in the middle of a small orchard… the tall, dry grass is almost up to our knees and waist…and there are many small fruit trees scattered about… suddenly, with no warning or sound, and out of nowhere… what we catch a glimpse of…what seems to be a very large red-tailed hawk… it literally falls out of the sky and lands hard and loudly with a “frrrwump!” on the ground about 8-10 feet from us…

i remembered noticing that the hawk was larger than it should be… as big, if not bigger than a mature eagle... i remembered it's distinct tail feathers and colouring... we were sure it was dead by how hard it hit the ground...

The teacher suggested that i go over to check and see… that just maybe it might be alive… and so off i ran out into the long grasses... i couldn't seem to find it… anywhere near where we thought it had landed... it wasn’t there…

i looked all over a large area between the fruit trees… what i did find on the dense grassed ground, was a very small, baby flicker woodpecker... i picked it up, holding it in both cupped hands and noticed that it's wings had been slightly clipped... it was really pissed off that i had picked it up.. it quickly jumped out of my hands back onto the ground and started running away… and i would repeatedly catch it, pick it back up and hold it in my hands... we played this fruitless game a number of times… as it continued to be very annoyed with me… my justification was my concern to help as i knew it couldn't fly...

Scene suddenly changes again…. the teacher and i are both back near the meeting building… being both aware that we needed to get back to the group... we walk up a few stairs back to the deck, when i notice out of the corner of my eye, and to my right is again the huge red-tailed hawk... it has reappeared under the deck and upside down on its back with both wings completely spread open... my first thought was that it’s dead but as i cautiously walked over closer to get a better look... i could tell that the large hawk was breathing… as its wings gently rose and fell with a rhythm – upside down…

as i get closer and closer, the hawk quickly realizes that it's being observed by me... it elegantly turns and rights itself back onto it’s sharp-taloned feet… turning its head, staring at me with it's magnificant, intense yellow eyes whose light seems to laser right through my being...

and then… i wake up....

...weaver (((o)))

baby drums...

dream...

this morning very early... i had a strange dream about many little drums...

i don't really remember much more about them or more of the dream... but i remember waking from the dream with the image of many, many little drums... small, little, tiny frame drums... so tiny that when i attempted to play them... i could only use my thumb and forefinger... and there were so many of them... everywhere...

it was kind of cool but... strange... very strange...

weaver (((o)))

a last minute idol...

The other day i got invited to fill in for someone who bowed out at the last minute... to play at a fundraiser event for a sister who is dealing with the big "C"... cancer... so, without hesitation, i said yes...

So, this past Saturday evening, seven musicians and i gathered at the W.I.S.E. Club here in Vancouver at 5:30 pm to do our sound check and get ready for the evening's performance... the organizers of the event had planned this as a fund-raiser for their friend... to raise funds for her high medical bills and help her out... What a wonderful thing to do and i was honoured to be a part of it... even though i didn't even know this woman...

The evening was organized like the Canadian Idol TV show... hence the reason they needed 8 musicians... an even number... Four of us were picked to play the first round and then the audience would vote by paying a dollar-a-vote and the most-voted 2 would move on to a final round... the same would happen with the next four... pick two and they would move on to the last round as well for another final group of 4... from there they would vote for an overall winner... They also had a panel of 5 judges lined up as well... the ticket to get into the night's event was 20 bucks...

At the time i said yes.. i didn't think much of the "format" of the show... thinking it was an easy gig... to play one, maybe two tunes to a friendly audience, help out a sister, get an opportunity to play and go home... however... for the day and half i had to decide on what to play for this event... i agonized about what to play and couldn't decide what ... i certainly knew i didn't want to get into the "competition" so to speak cuz i'm not the competitive type... but i couldn't help but wonder that there could be that slight possibility that i could maybe... win... ???

Naaah... probably not... and so... what to play?... do i play something i wrote or do i do something campy or funny like a cover tune and wow them away... knowing full well that more than likely, the woman who would win will probably go all out and camp it out and get the audience on their feet cheering... and then after thinking all this... i started to get a little nervous about it all... cuz i really don't like competition at all... and so, why was i doing this, really?...

i was doing this because my friend had asked me to and the main focus of the event was to help out a sister in my community... great. ...got that clear... so, i decided pretty much at the last minute to do my own songs... i saw it as an opportunity to play my own stuff and see what kind of feedback i would get... also... i really like playing my own songs better anyway... i picked two of my own, just in case i got voted on to the last group... you never know... right?

well.. that evening was certainly interesting... my friend who is a very talented, wonderful singer-songwriter (and guitar player) was up first in the first group.. and she played and sang really well.. got a great cheering applause and had many nice comments from the judges... next, was a woman who got up and sang to a cover song with an over-produced CD for backup... the crowd loved it...! i was right... the crowd is definitely going to go for this instead of the half of us who are singer-songwriter/instrumentalists... and sure enough that's how the evening went... only one of the singer-songwriters moved to the final round... i think because, at the last minute she chose a song about "being naked" that she wrote instead of the one she did at the sound-check earlier... and of course wowed the crowd and moved on...

i was up first in the second round and did my own composition on a little dulcitar guitar and sang "a mother's cry"... a moving, somewhat haunting song about the 3 mothers in my life... my birth mom, my adopted mom and our blessed earth mother...about half way through it, i could hear a lot women in the back talking loudly through it until someone finally "shhhh'ed" them and then it got real quiet as i sang the rest of my song... i got a pretty good applause and nice comments from the judges like my friend... got off stage and was quite glad that my part was over... i didn't move ahead.

however, during the breaks.. a few women came up to me and thanked me for the song i did and told me how much they enjoyed it... one asked if i had a CD and another asked if i was playing around town and hoped that she could hear me again... that felt good and it seemed i acomplished what i came to do... and had helped out my sister at the same time... and that sure felt real good.

the woman who won had dressed up in a long low-cut evening dress and gloves with high heels including lots of makeup and sang her guts out to "fever" (with CD backup) and had everyone, including me on their feet cheering for more... she was awesome and she was the nights winning idol... and we raised over $1200 for our sister... and had one heck of alot of fun at the same time...

and me?... i guess in my own way, i was a last minute idol... for a few minutes anyway....

weaver (((o)))

cry of the drummer...

Lately... i've been too busy again...
and so what else is new eh?...

Last Saturday i was attempting to sleep in a tad... to get caught up on some much-needed rest... and while i was lying about in and out of consciousness with the sheets pulled up over my head... i became aware that i could hear the cry of a bird outside... and it seemed to sound like the cry of flicker... (a woodpecker)...

This was no simple cry... or call... and as i lay there listening... the flicker kept calling and crying over and over and over... after listening to this for about 10 minutes or so... i finally dragged myself out of bed to go have a look to see what was going on...

When i got to the window and looked out... there he or she was... about 20 feet away in the yard, perched precariously on the top of a fir tree... still wailing away... it seemed he or she was yakking at me for some reason... i looked around to see if it was upset for some other reason... but there seemed to be no reason... the flicker just kept on crying and crying...

i love flickers and have a fond connection to them.... when i'm out walking in the forest... i love it when i sometimes hear the flickers or woodpeckers peck on an old, broken dead tree... it fascinates me how their fast drumming can radiate and echo for a long time... In the medicine/spiritual way as a totem... one aspect of the flicker is known to be "the drummer"... so, i can certainly relate to the flicker because i'm a drummer too... sometimes it seems that flickers will show up in my life to tell or show me something... usually when i least expect it...

like one time a couple of years ago... when i was honoured to become the caretaker of a very special drum... a 27 inch Kilaut frame drum that was built for me by a master drum-builder from the eastern United States.... for some reason i'm not sure why i became very called to this particular drum... when i was first becoming acquainted with this drum, i was dealing with many feelings about feeling worthy to be a carrier of this drum... maybe i was also feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for this drum... as this special drum held much power and healing in some way... that was for sure... i can't tell you how i felt when that drum first "played" me...

well... one day as i was going for a walk with my dog and my partner during that time... i was expressing some of those feelings to her... and as i had just finished expressing my thoughts of unworthiness and doubt... we suddenly heard a loud screech response high above us... as we turned back to look where this scream had come.... there, sitting on the tip of the tallest tree in the parking lot was a flicker... confidently swaying back and forth... staring at us... i swear almost laughing at me.... my partner said to me with a smirk... "well, carol don't you think that's your answer?"...

So... what was the message this time...? i'm not sure... as i went out on the porch to get a better look... i sat down on the chair to witness this event with even more curiousity... the flicker took flight and started to fly towards me in a wide circle and made it's way back to the same tree... it perched again and then did this flying dance a couple times more... and while he/she was flying, made this interesting warbling sound... when she/he got back to the tree and landed... continued to cry and call as usual...

i also noticed that off to the right, a little further away... were two more flickers... silently perched near each other on the tops of trees as well... like they were holding space or being a witness to the one crying and continuing to call... eventually, the flicker finally stopped crying and suddenly flew away... in the silence, i continued to sit in the chair and wonder... and also felt honoured by my being witness to a wonder of nature... was this event just a coincidence or really meant for me?

i'm still not really sure... maybe it was yet another message or an affirmation for me to know that i truly am worthy... that i am a human being on this vast earth with worth... like all human beings... maybe it was a reflection of how i've been feeling these past few months... a reflection of my own crying inside of all that i've lost and grieved... maybe i just didn't get the message at all...? Maybe it'll come to me another time? Maybe never....

or... maybe it was a message for me just get my butt out of bed and get on with it...

maybe?

weaver (((o)))

to lovingly hold space...

i was sent home with homework yet again from the 7th fire a number of months ago…

however, my life this past year has been like a pachacuti... and has been literally turned upside down… my relationship of almost 8 years rapidly dissolved right before my eyes…and went in a direction that i couldn't seem to steer in any way… it seems for most of those years, i’ve tried my darndest to do what some might call, “make the best of it” and be the best i can be… i strive to grow as any human could or can… and with courage to honour my spiritual path… questing for answers that continually nag at me… i also can’t ignore the stirrings that rise within me… i have to listen to my gut… and somehow find my own true way… how can i not listen to my inner being and be who i truly am?

why is it that it has to be sooo hard to share that with someone who is not on the same path?… why is it that i am continually judged for being on this path? why is it that i always feel like i’m the one who is giving support in many ways… i gave up long ago the invitations to someone important to me to share a path that helped me so much in my growth... and now to have come to a place of realization that i must honour this person's own path whenever… i have to admit that i sometimes get jealous that other partnerships can share a similar path… but i guess that this is not to happen for me, and i do my best to honour that…

and… so… i continue to respect my path as best as i can… and i exercise my daily homework… i open my mesa, the mirror of my becoming - my healed state… and oh, how i yearn for that healed state… especially now… during this emotional roller-coaster pacha of time… and so… through some beloved stones i consciously feed and care for them within the swirling hurricane that is presently going on in my life… this is not an easy path… it seems no matter what i say or do… i don’t get heard or seen in the way i have truly intended… when i feel i have intended with as much a loving way that i can… where has all this rage and disdain hurling towards me come from?... what happened to the communication?... it’s crazy making to say the least… but i keep ducking the relentless sticks and stones... refusing to be continually abused...

as i sit in mindful contemplation with my altar of beloved… i am unexpectedly taken way back to a time of my childhood… to an age of about 11 or 12… i’m smack-back at summer camp on Vancouver Island at good ol' camp Moorecroft… a wonderous place full of fond, fond memories…a place that offered me respite from the shouting times of my childhood... it’s evening and everyone is at campfire time inside the big meeting hall… the fire is roaring and there is a girl a little younger than me sitting hesitantly on the edge of the front stage with her head down looking at the floor…

this night, small groups and individuals are sharing skits, stories and songs with the whole group… i have already shared my contribution… and there sits this little girl on the stage… in great fear… she wants to share but keeps fleeing the stage because of being so shy and afraid… the whole group keeps cheering her back to the stage as she repeatedly attempts to go back to her seat, giving up…

after about three times of her doing her back and forth dance… i am compelled to go up and and just sit beside her to lend some support to do her thing… and as i sit there beside her and the room goes quiet... she finally musters the courage to share and after, everyone is on their feet cheering and applauding her… she is so thrilled and oh, so proud…

the next day… the camp nurse came up to me to say that what i did to support that girl was one of the most loving things she had ever seen a kid do and then thanked and congratulated me for it…

i'm now transported right back to now with my mesa and the 13 churning loving khuyas embracing me with their light as they always do… and an overwhelming realization comes over me as to maybe why... one reason (and of many) that being part of and in this relationship for so many years… was maybe... just maybe... that i was to lovingly “hold space” for someone else yet once again... to support them to get to what they love and do… and they did get to do what they loved... big-time!... and... i am honoured to have been a part of that...

and so... an irony... a life-time dream project was finally manifested and arrived a finished product that very same day that we separated and parted ways...

weaver (((o)))

the secret to life...?

There's a wonderful quote by Esther Hicks & Abraham that i try to live by...

"Appreciation is the secret to life.
Become a person who appreciates,
and you will thrive:
you will fulfill your reason for being."
-- Abraham-Hicks
www.abraham-hicks.com

... what more can i say?... as it has already been said so well....
i know that when i appreciate... appreciation always comes back to me...

have a good day all...

(((o)))

strange encounters of the...

A number of years ago while spending the weekend on wonderful Bowen Island, i had a very interesting encounter.

A friend of mine and i were just arriving at the bed and breakfast where we were going to spend the next couple of days for some much-needed time off. After we parked the car on the side of the road, we started to unpack the car of our belongings. My friend was already heading up the steep driveway to the B & B with a load of stuff while i was still organizing a load for myself at the back of the car.

I still had my head in the hatch of the car gathering my stuff when I heard a strange buzzing sound in the bushes at the side of the road. I couldn’t make out the sound but it seemed to be getting louder the more i focused on it... I looked over to where the sound seemed to be coming from but couldn’t see anything... and so.. I stepped into the brush ever so slightly and then saw something just above the shadowed bushes rocking back and forth... and it was humming and buzzing while it rocked... i couldn’t make out what it was but the sound kept getting louder and louder... and then i wondered if it was a hummingbi.......

When... i realized what is was... all of a sudden, it shot straight up into the sky... it was a hummingbird! i watched as it flew up and up as far as i could see... and then lost track of it, it disappeared... i kept looking for it standing there with my arms full of stuff, wondering where it went... i kept looking for it for quite some time... and nothing... i gave up and went back to unpacking the car...

As i turned back to the car, suddenly the hummer was flying back down, dive-bombing me... i quickly ducked as i could feel the wind brush the top of my head as he/she grazed over me and flew off...

wow... i couldn’t help but think all that was a tad personal... and i then wrote a poem about it... (see the poem "quickening... (a power song)...

(((o)))

you never know what can happen when you go for a jug of milk...

When I was around say, the age of 10 or 11, my mom asked me, (or my brother and sister) as she often did, to run over to the barn to get some milk out of the dairy. So, off I went with a blue plastic jug in-hand and headed down our short drive-way towards the barn when...

Almost half way, I heard something rustling in the tall grass off to my right, just past the gas tanks. I stopped to check it out and about four feet in, was one of our tabby barn cats pawing at something tentatively on the ground in front of him/her. Cautiously, I stepped into the deep grass to find out what was really going on.

I saw that a tiny, little gray mouse was standing upright on it’s hind legs with his dukes up – swinging back at the cat who was nervously poking back.

I couldn't believe what I was actually seeing and how I was now, a spectator to what seemed an implausible bout.

At one point, I'm sure that I saw the mouse make contact with the cat's nose! I stood there shaking my head in disbelief. I thought I could also hear the mouse chanting, "Put ‘em up! Put ‘em up... Just try it... Just try it!"

Still clutching the milk jug (now-squashed) under my arm, to not disturb the event, I carefully squatted down cross-legged and watched in awe for quite some time – mesmerized with the silent, slow-mo match. I cheered the little gray guy on.

I was astounded as to how persistent both the cat and mouse were. That gutsy mouse was just not going to back down, no matter what, nor the cat – a definite stand-off. And still, no sound from either...

I couldn’t help it… I eventually broke the match up by shooing the tabby away... thinking I was ultimately rescuing the incredibly brave mouse... though, at the same time I also wondered if I was really redeeming the wimpy cat. I also knew I had to get back with the milk.

When I returned with the requested jug, my annoyed mom sighed, asking me why it took me so damn long to get back. I replied, “I don’t know.”

I thought about what I had witnessed that day for quite some time after that and sometimes still do. If I hadn’t broken up the match, who would have eventually won? Maybe there’s more to mice than we really know? Maybe that’s how the idea for the classic Disney cartoon "Mighty Mouse" may have come from?

I think what I really learned from that day is, that it really doesn't matter how big or small you are or how insignificant you might “think” you are – all that matters is how you “feel and know" who you are.

Truly, it was a moment that a tiny little mouse mightily roared – silently… and I got to see it, not hear it!

the healing ears... (not a typo either...)

poem...

the healing ears (not a typo either)

a hanging half moon night is
nagging away a blue sky day...

driving back home and stopping in on the way
a mallard stands at the store door...

mom with a butcher knife
still screams in my ears...

remembrance…

that i got way too close
to an unknown
full-swinging baseball bat...

and the many drums are healing once again...

yes please... the resonant.

-- © 2003 weaver

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Updated March 22, 2009